Growth

I've started going to a bible study. So if this is taboo ground to you then be forewarned there is talk of faith, trust and general "God" things and you're free to move on to the next blog if you choose. Faith and trust seem to go hand in hand but as I've come to realize, that is not necessarily true. I say I have faith, which I do. I say I trust in God, but I've learned I have to add the disclaimer of "most of the time". There are just those things, for me, the ONE thing, that I just can't seem to turn over to Him. I carry it around, I fret, I fuss, I make up a million what-if's, I obsess over the bad, I imagine every hypothetical scene that would justify the ramblings of my crazed mind. I take the smallest hint of an issue and I run with it, you don't want to know what I do with the big hints. Let's just say it's ugly. In not giving it over, in not being able to trust that it will be OK, not that it will be perfect or that the situation will turn out how I want, but that no matter what, in the end I will be OK. My worst fears may actually come true, my worst fears could manifest and my world so to speak may implode, giving it over means that I will still wake up and put one foot in front of the other. I see the goal, I'm not there yet. Do I sabotage this thing? You bet, not conscientiously of course but I feel I'm protecting myself from what I already know as true. Like the mother who's worst fear is to lose a child, she won't let them on a slide or will rush them to the emergency room when they complain of a stomach ache. Watching for signs of impending destruction. What I'm trying to figure out now is how. How do I get the evil voice out of my head? How do I cover the hole in my shield of faith created by this thing? I pray and I read. Not Steinbeck but the actual Bible. Pick it up and see what it has to say. To say it is timeless is a vast understatement. The answer to literally every question you have is in there. The answer to every fear, frustration, doubt and anxiety is in there. Reading is one thing, trusting is another. The more I read, the more I trust, the more I trust, the more I read. My hole is getting smaller, the spears of the enemy soon won't have an in. I own my fears and what I do to perpetuate them, that's putting one foot down, handing it over completely is putting down the other.