Pondering...

I guess that's the sign of a good book, it makes you think. Whether fiction or non, it puts you in the story. I don't feel like doing an unsolicited book report here but I thought I would just write down a couple things that are really staying with me.

This is the true joy of life; the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one, being a force of Nature rather than a feverish selfish little cloud of ailments complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy... George Bernard Shaw

Wow.

I read that tonight and wanted to make an iron-on transfer for every shirt I own. How joyful would you be to know that your very purpose is important and here's the clincher... YOU KNOW IT!?!?! You have a passion for this endeavour that makes you akin to a force of nature. Forces of nature are tornado's, hurricanes!!! I want to be a hurricane for my cause, don't you? Don't sit around sniveling for the world to fix itself, fix it!!! I love it.

I have a desk calender that I put my "schedule" on. I have it planned out all the way to December 31st. First day's of school in fall, 1/2 days, teacher planning days, play dates, potential playdates/outings are now popping up. I fill it up with confidence that I will be here to see those days, I have no reason to think I won't and am not trying to be morbid by any means. But what if I'm not. You never schedule in "find lump" or "get in car accident". Yes, I'm reading about living your life with no regrets and basically wondering if I have any.

I took Ethan to school the other day, hugged him (which I don't always do), told him I loved him (which I do always do) and watched him walk into school. Usually, I turn immediately and head back home but this time I just watched. I said a prayer that at 3 o'clock I would see him in reverse, turned toward me, walking into my smile instead of away from it. We simply don't know what each moment will bring. I'm not about to be the fretting over-protective mom that won't let them out the door for fear of an impending rogue comet. I am, going to make sure that the last words they here from me is I love you. I am, going to make sure we go to bed at night without any regrets, I should've, why didn't I, if only... When I lay down at night, I want to simply sleep.

So, what is my tsunami? I have a few actually but the most prevalent is my kids. Have they always been? Admittedly, no. I have tried working harder, being out later, dropping them off earlier because it's not easy to be an attentive parent. It IS easy to say "yes I'll play that game with you after dinner" knowing full well you won't. Or, "yes, I'll color with you after this chapter or when I'm done surfing meaningless fluff on the Internet" again knowing they will otherwise occupy themselves until "Oh look at the time, get ready for bed!!!" A wake up call every now and again that this isn't about me is always nice. Do I have regrets about our past? Not really necessary I suppose, because I'm simply trying to move forward. They are most definitely forces of nature in their own right, I want to be one too.