Gut Check...

The topic that's been tossing around in my brain lately (by lately I mean the last couple months) the topic I'm trying to decide how to broach with out sounding like too much of a lunatic is finally coming to fruition. Then of course I realized this post couldn't possibly make me sound any less sane so just go with my gut. AAAHHHH, there it is, my gut. The subject du jour. Mother's intuition, that sixth sense, knowing the peas are in the napkin before you unfold it. Knowing they don't really have to go to the bathroom REALLY, REALLY, BAD RIGHT NOW, during dinner only to dispose of the uneaten miscellaneous vegetable. Knowing that silence is not by any stretch of the imagination "golden". Keeping Ethan home from school just because, to have him throwing up by noon. How many things have we done with out knowing what the consequences would have been other wise? Turning down a different road on our walk or going to the park across town because I felt like we should. So who cares? We all have it, that voice of ours that keeps us in check. Interesting, do I really think I'm that smart? Do I really think that I can predict/anticipate random acts in the future. I don't know what's for dinner tomorrow! Yet, for years I've been giving myself a whole lot of pats on the back while at the same time wondering where God has been all those years. Why is He just starting to speak up now? Why did he let me wing it out there all alone for so long? The pull that I had to have a third child, the surprise of getting one and the peace of not remotely wanting another. I credit God with getting around the birth control, why don't I credit him for the desire for more or the feeling that our family is now whole? I guess finally listening to Him has made me realize He has been talking to me all along. Every day my gut tells me something to do or not. To be suspect about and to be at complete ease with. Every day I struggle saying "I knew it! I just knew it wasn't right/wrong/there/going to happen/going to show up/going to work/not going to work...etc" Feeling the pride of my vast knowledge of all things parental filling me. Did I mention I don't know what's for dinner tomorrow? Now I struggle to stop. Breathe. And simply say, Thank You. Thank you for the insight, thank you for the warning, thank you for the need and thank you for the peace. He's there talking all the time, unfortunately so am I (and the kids for that matter!) taking the time to listen and actually hear, to feel that it's right because He says so not because I did. How good it feels to take yet another thing off my plate. It leaves me room for tomorrow's lasagna.

The Emperor's New Clothes

You remember the story, the emperor gets convinced that his new invisible clothing is the latest in high fashion and goes parading around naked. It struck me this morning that I'm doing the same thing. No I'm not doing housework in the buff, much to my husbands dismay.
I climb out of the shower and commence the process of "getting ready" for what I'm not sure, but trust me I'm ready for it. Step one, put on moisturizer. I'm a (cough, cough,) thirty-something woman so this is a crucial step. What's the most important thing about a good moisturizer? To feel like nothing. Slather it on, pay through the teeth, so ultimately I and certainly no one else knows it exists. Step two, foundation or my new best friend "invisible foundation". Oh yes, you can call it a primer or what not, wear alone or underneath a step 3. Use what ever terminology you want, it's invisible makeup and I bought it. Step 3, translucent powder. This would be basically clear powder with no discernible color to "set" the invisible foundation. Step 4, clear gloss because my lips are always this moist and supple on their own. Add a little blush (not invisible by definition) mascara (which you CAN buy invisible, I have not jumped off that cliff yet) and I'm pretty much through. Fifteen minutes of my life, spent doing stuff to myself to try to make myself look like I didn't spend fifteen minutes of my life, doing anything to myself!!! My point. Nothing really. I'm not about to change the process, I'm actually pretty happy with the results in a this ranks up there with the dumbest things I've pondered in a long time sort of way. What do I want my kids to learn from reading this in the future? Probably that we all do things that don't make a lot of sense. We need to think about the things we do and make a decision to continue or not. I've thought about it and I've decided to continue because as ridiculous as the process seems it effects no one but me. There are few things in life that fall under that umbrella, treasure the ones that do.

It's about time

In a fleeting moment of desire for convenience, I picked up a box of microwave popcorn at the store last week. Yes, I know, it's a direct slap in the face of all that I've been spouting this past year. But honestly, the supreme ease of quelling Ethan's cries for a before bed snack with a flick of my wrist and a go grab a bag out of the pantry suddenly over came me and the purchase was made. Sinking into the couch with the book I've been trying to start/finish for 2 weeks and Ethan's plea begins. But oh yes, I have a trick up my sleeve. Boy! I mean Eth! Get a bag out of the pantry and pop that puppy in the microwave! You my son are golden in 2.5 minutes. And that's when it starts...But mom, I don't want that one! Let's make it ourselves, it's soooooooo much better, I don't care if it takes longer. And there you have it. Out of the mouths of babes, err well, 1st graders. I've tried instilling this past year, that faster isn't always better, weaning off McDonald's and KFC. Baking bread every.single.week. Growing a monster garden that this year threatens to take over the neighborhood. Hunting down an air-popper! It all worked. yay me... So why does the siren call of convenience still get it's moment of glory? I think the one thing I haven't been able to wrap my brain around is time. When I was working (I'm so tired of starting sentences with that, I now vow to never use it again) the entire day was laid out in time slots. Every second was a valuable commodity to be doled out frugally. If I do this, then I can't do that. Kids, as every parent knows, don't grasp the concept of time. So it takes us 8 more minutes to make regular popcorn, they go to bed 8 minutes later, and????? Somehow this seems like such a huge deal, some nights more than others. What parent hasn't screamed uncontrollably at their toddler literally stopping to smell the roses when we want them to keep walking to the store/school/car/church? When honestly we would be what? 5 minutes late? 10? Would Ethan crumble to a sobbing mass on the sidewalk in front of his classroom door if we weren't waiting there 15 minutes prior to last bell? No, he would either walk himself home and see us jumping in puddles, or wait on the playground with a plethora of his friends, ultimately he would be fine. I'm the one that ends up in the angry, slobbering, bald, mass! The perception of time as a commodity, something to be hoarded like a clock watching Scrooge gets ingrained young. When do they pick up on it? I'm actually moving on to my second hand the number of times my kids have calmed my nerves with their simple reasoning. It's OK mom, we can walk. It's OK mom, it just takes a second. I thought I was supposed to teach them everything.

Too Yoooouuu...

You would think (or should I say I would think) I would be getting wiser with age. Isn't that how the phrase goes? How many times growing up did my parents repeat that to me, "when you're my age...", "xyz is something you learn with age." Well guess what? I'm now officially your age when you said those things and I'm not sure I know anything yet. AND to top it off, I think I've spent the past year RETHINKING all the stuff I thought I DID know!!! Which of course has led me to this topic and the overwhelming realization that I don't know squat. Luckily by the grace of God my kids won't be reading this till they are much older, this is not information I wish to bestow upon them now!!!

"Kids it's time I told you something, all those times I said you'll understand when you become a parent. I was wrong. I don't understand. I pretty much question everything anymore, your mommy is not so smart."

The kicking off of my official "mommies don't actually get smarter as they get older" pitch actually took place last night. I had planned a mom's night out with some girlfriends, let's hangout, drink some wine and gab after the kiddos have all passed out. Clue number 1 something is up; going out with girlfriends on the night before my birthday. Did I have any inkling they cared? Nope. Clue number 2; having host girlfriend's little boy (on his way to bed) talking about how he wants cake too. Any idea cake would be for me? Nope. Clue number 3; Girlfriend frantically trying to keep me out of kitchen shielding said cake, hunched over writing something. Any idea cake being hidden and friend is trying to sign card 3 feet away from me? Nope. Admittedly by clue number 4, people showing up saying the actual words Happy Birthday and handing me cards I started to finally piece things together. I love them. Hopefully through my complete oblivion they still love me too.

So now I'm left to wonder what other functions will be waining in the coming months/years. I was kind of hoping the mind would be the last to go, this does not bode well for the future. Then again, as long as I'm surrounding myself with friends that are thinking about me even when I am not, I think the future is place I might want to see. I may be older, I know I'm not wiser but I do know I'm cared about. Thanks guys.