Gut Check...

The topic that's been tossing around in my brain lately (by lately I mean the last couple months) the topic I'm trying to decide how to broach with out sounding like too much of a lunatic is finally coming to fruition. Then of course I realized this post couldn't possibly make me sound any less sane so just go with my gut. AAAHHHH, there it is, my gut. The subject du jour. Mother's intuition, that sixth sense, knowing the peas are in the napkin before you unfold it. Knowing they don't really have to go to the bathroom REALLY, REALLY, BAD RIGHT NOW, during dinner only to dispose of the uneaten miscellaneous vegetable. Knowing that silence is not by any stretch of the imagination "golden". Keeping Ethan home from school just because, to have him throwing up by noon. How many things have we done with out knowing what the consequences would have been other wise? Turning down a different road on our walk or going to the park across town because I felt like we should. So who cares? We all have it, that voice of ours that keeps us in check. Interesting, do I really think I'm that smart? Do I really think that I can predict/anticipate random acts in the future. I don't know what's for dinner tomorrow! Yet, for years I've been giving myself a whole lot of pats on the back while at the same time wondering where God has been all those years. Why is He just starting to speak up now? Why did he let me wing it out there all alone for so long? The pull that I had to have a third child, the surprise of getting one and the peace of not remotely wanting another. I credit God with getting around the birth control, why don't I credit him for the desire for more or the feeling that our family is now whole? I guess finally listening to Him has made me realize He has been talking to me all along. Every day my gut tells me something to do or not. To be suspect about and to be at complete ease with. Every day I struggle saying "I knew it! I just knew it wasn't right/wrong/there/going to happen/going to show up/going to work/not going to work...etc" Feeling the pride of my vast knowledge of all things parental filling me. Did I mention I don't know what's for dinner tomorrow? Now I struggle to stop. Breathe. And simply say, Thank You. Thank you for the insight, thank you for the warning, thank you for the need and thank you for the peace. He's there talking all the time, unfortunately so am I (and the kids for that matter!) taking the time to listen and actually hear, to feel that it's right because He says so not because I did. How good it feels to take yet another thing off my plate. It leaves me room for tomorrow's lasagna.

The Emperor's New Clothes

You remember the story, the emperor gets convinced that his new invisible clothing is the latest in high fashion and goes parading around naked. It struck me this morning that I'm doing the same thing. No I'm not doing housework in the buff, much to my husbands dismay.
I climb out of the shower and commence the process of "getting ready" for what I'm not sure, but trust me I'm ready for it. Step one, put on moisturizer. I'm a (cough, cough,) thirty-something woman so this is a crucial step. What's the most important thing about a good moisturizer? To feel like nothing. Slather it on, pay through the teeth, so ultimately I and certainly no one else knows it exists. Step two, foundation or my new best friend "invisible foundation". Oh yes, you can call it a primer or what not, wear alone or underneath a step 3. Use what ever terminology you want, it's invisible makeup and I bought it. Step 3, translucent powder. This would be basically clear powder with no discernible color to "set" the invisible foundation. Step 4, clear gloss because my lips are always this moist and supple on their own. Add a little blush (not invisible by definition) mascara (which you CAN buy invisible, I have not jumped off that cliff yet) and I'm pretty much through. Fifteen minutes of my life, spent doing stuff to myself to try to make myself look like I didn't spend fifteen minutes of my life, doing anything to myself!!! My point. Nothing really. I'm not about to change the process, I'm actually pretty happy with the results in a this ranks up there with the dumbest things I've pondered in a long time sort of way. What do I want my kids to learn from reading this in the future? Probably that we all do things that don't make a lot of sense. We need to think about the things we do and make a decision to continue or not. I've thought about it and I've decided to continue because as ridiculous as the process seems it effects no one but me. There are few things in life that fall under that umbrella, treasure the ones that do.

It's about time

In a fleeting moment of desire for convenience, I picked up a box of microwave popcorn at the store last week. Yes, I know, it's a direct slap in the face of all that I've been spouting this past year. But honestly, the supreme ease of quelling Ethan's cries for a before bed snack with a flick of my wrist and a go grab a bag out of the pantry suddenly over came me and the purchase was made. Sinking into the couch with the book I've been trying to start/finish for 2 weeks and Ethan's plea begins. But oh yes, I have a trick up my sleeve. Boy! I mean Eth! Get a bag out of the pantry and pop that puppy in the microwave! You my son are golden in 2.5 minutes. And that's when it starts...But mom, I don't want that one! Let's make it ourselves, it's soooooooo much better, I don't care if it takes longer. And there you have it. Out of the mouths of babes, err well, 1st graders. I've tried instilling this past year, that faster isn't always better, weaning off McDonald's and KFC. Baking bread every.single.week. Growing a monster garden that this year threatens to take over the neighborhood. Hunting down an air-popper! It all worked. yay me... So why does the siren call of convenience still get it's moment of glory? I think the one thing I haven't been able to wrap my brain around is time. When I was working (I'm so tired of starting sentences with that, I now vow to never use it again) the entire day was laid out in time slots. Every second was a valuable commodity to be doled out frugally. If I do this, then I can't do that. Kids, as every parent knows, don't grasp the concept of time. So it takes us 8 more minutes to make regular popcorn, they go to bed 8 minutes later, and????? Somehow this seems like such a huge deal, some nights more than others. What parent hasn't screamed uncontrollably at their toddler literally stopping to smell the roses when we want them to keep walking to the store/school/car/church? When honestly we would be what? 5 minutes late? 10? Would Ethan crumble to a sobbing mass on the sidewalk in front of his classroom door if we weren't waiting there 15 minutes prior to last bell? No, he would either walk himself home and see us jumping in puddles, or wait on the playground with a plethora of his friends, ultimately he would be fine. I'm the one that ends up in the angry, slobbering, bald, mass! The perception of time as a commodity, something to be hoarded like a clock watching Scrooge gets ingrained young. When do they pick up on it? I'm actually moving on to my second hand the number of times my kids have calmed my nerves with their simple reasoning. It's OK mom, we can walk. It's OK mom, it just takes a second. I thought I was supposed to teach them everything.

Too Yoooouuu...

You would think (or should I say I would think) I would be getting wiser with age. Isn't that how the phrase goes? How many times growing up did my parents repeat that to me, "when you're my age...", "xyz is something you learn with age." Well guess what? I'm now officially your age when you said those things and I'm not sure I know anything yet. AND to top it off, I think I've spent the past year RETHINKING all the stuff I thought I DID know!!! Which of course has led me to this topic and the overwhelming realization that I don't know squat. Luckily by the grace of God my kids won't be reading this till they are much older, this is not information I wish to bestow upon them now!!!

"Kids it's time I told you something, all those times I said you'll understand when you become a parent. I was wrong. I don't understand. I pretty much question everything anymore, your mommy is not so smart."

The kicking off of my official "mommies don't actually get smarter as they get older" pitch actually took place last night. I had planned a mom's night out with some girlfriends, let's hangout, drink some wine and gab after the kiddos have all passed out. Clue number 1 something is up; going out with girlfriends on the night before my birthday. Did I have any inkling they cared? Nope. Clue number 2; having host girlfriend's little boy (on his way to bed) talking about how he wants cake too. Any idea cake would be for me? Nope. Clue number 3; Girlfriend frantically trying to keep me out of kitchen shielding said cake, hunched over writing something. Any idea cake being hidden and friend is trying to sign card 3 feet away from me? Nope. Admittedly by clue number 4, people showing up saying the actual words Happy Birthday and handing me cards I started to finally piece things together. I love them. Hopefully through my complete oblivion they still love me too.

So now I'm left to wonder what other functions will be waining in the coming months/years. I was kind of hoping the mind would be the last to go, this does not bode well for the future. Then again, as long as I'm surrounding myself with friends that are thinking about me even when I am not, I think the future is place I might want to see. I may be older, I know I'm not wiser but I do know I'm cared about. Thanks guys.

Perspective

I like to get a little sometimes, perspective that is, and my kids seem to offer it up in droves. The other night as I was putting dinner on the table, it was your typical week day night. Eric working late, Ethan trying to set the table with Elaina's protests in full swing as to where he was now sitting her. Elijah was trying to grab at whatever food was prematurely placed while Ethan swatted him away. The noise was not steadily increasing, it was already as increased as it could get. When of course the phone rings. Being the lover of caller ID, I see that it is my soon to be pediatrician, yes, it's taken me a year to get around to transferring our files and I was not about to miss this call!!! I answer it as I'm walking into my bedroom, closing the door to some what muffle the screams, screeches and general forelorn cries of dinner time injustice continuing in the dining room. In between listening to my new receptionist/nurse I can hear it continue to escalate and then...stop.

"OOOOOOHHHHH, the Lord is good to meeeeeeee. And so I thank the Looooooord!!! For giving me, the things I need, the sun and the rain and the apple seed the Lord is good to me.Amen."

"G'me THAT!"

"No!!!!"

"Ethaaaaaaaan!!!!"

"I want it"

"STOP IT!!!!"

Yes, the screaming ensued.
They can't sit at the same seat two nights in a row to help quell the majority of the problems. Fiesta Ware be damned, since now they argue over who gets what color and of course they all want to eat at once and will beat each other to death in the process, but before that process can begin... You must say grace.

Pondering...

I guess that's the sign of a good book, it makes you think. Whether fiction or non, it puts you in the story. I don't feel like doing an unsolicited book report here but I thought I would just write down a couple things that are really staying with me.

This is the true joy of life; the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one, being a force of Nature rather than a feverish selfish little cloud of ailments complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy... George Bernard Shaw

Wow.

I read that tonight and wanted to make an iron-on transfer for every shirt I own. How joyful would you be to know that your very purpose is important and here's the clincher... YOU KNOW IT!?!?! You have a passion for this endeavour that makes you akin to a force of nature. Forces of nature are tornado's, hurricanes!!! I want to be a hurricane for my cause, don't you? Don't sit around sniveling for the world to fix itself, fix it!!! I love it.

I have a desk calender that I put my "schedule" on. I have it planned out all the way to December 31st. First day's of school in fall, 1/2 days, teacher planning days, play dates, potential playdates/outings are now popping up. I fill it up with confidence that I will be here to see those days, I have no reason to think I won't and am not trying to be morbid by any means. But what if I'm not. You never schedule in "find lump" or "get in car accident". Yes, I'm reading about living your life with no regrets and basically wondering if I have any.

I took Ethan to school the other day, hugged him (which I don't always do), told him I loved him (which I do always do) and watched him walk into school. Usually, I turn immediately and head back home but this time I just watched. I said a prayer that at 3 o'clock I would see him in reverse, turned toward me, walking into my smile instead of away from it. We simply don't know what each moment will bring. I'm not about to be the fretting over-protective mom that won't let them out the door for fear of an impending rogue comet. I am, going to make sure that the last words they here from me is I love you. I am, going to make sure we go to bed at night without any regrets, I should've, why didn't I, if only... When I lay down at night, I want to simply sleep.

So, what is my tsunami? I have a few actually but the most prevalent is my kids. Have they always been? Admittedly, no. I have tried working harder, being out later, dropping them off earlier because it's not easy to be an attentive parent. It IS easy to say "yes I'll play that game with you after dinner" knowing full well you won't. Or, "yes, I'll color with you after this chapter or when I'm done surfing meaningless fluff on the Internet" again knowing they will otherwise occupy themselves until "Oh look at the time, get ready for bed!!!" A wake up call every now and again that this isn't about me is always nice. Do I have regrets about our past? Not really necessary I suppose, because I'm simply trying to move forward. They are most definitely forces of nature in their own right, I want to be one too.

To my non-foodie friends...

Alright, I can take some flack for talking down to the masses for my interpretation of a simple meal and for that you now get a crash course in my pantry staples!!! You'll never do that again will ya!!! HA!

First off...you need to make as much of everything as possible and oddly you probably have most the ingredients to do that!!!
Bread= flour, water, yeast, sugar/honey, salt, maybe milk and maybe some oil (butter/shortening or oil). These will make in some combination, rarely all ingredients needed; bread (sandwich and french), pancakes, waffles, biscuits, buns (hamburger or hot dog depending on shape) and the all important pizza dough.
pantry should have multiple shapes pasta and types rice/starch (couscous, quinoa; it's a really good grain, not chicken food ;) )
multiple types beans, dried AND canned.
all forms canned tomatoes.
emergency cream of mushroom soup for when you forget to get mushrooms at the store or use the last in that fritata that the kids refused to eat.
Other baking items would be all kinds sugars, powdered, granulated, light and brown but also raw for sprinkling on muffins or scones, it's the little things don't you know!!!
Packaged chicken and beef stock in case your freezer has run low on home-made.

Acid!!!
lemons, limes, oranges are staples. As is wine, red and white. Less frequently used but just as important liquor!!! Grand Marnier, yum! Vermouth is not only for martinis, dry is great in marinades use the same amount you would with your favorite cocktail!!! A light hand! Pernod is an anise (licorice) flavored liquor and again a little is enough to deglaze (get the chunks off the bottom) of your pan and make your guests wonder where you got the recipe! Also great on a hot day with some club soda, but I digress. Bourbon makes a great sauce, again a light hand is key, the little airline bottle is more than enough! Any leftovers with some sweet vermouth and a cherry is a bonus!

Keep veggies simple, toss with olive oil, salt and roast to carmelly goodness!!

Meat, get the best you can afford and prepare it simply. Good components don't need to be fussed over, that's the beauty of it! A little salt and pepper or your favorite rub and bake or grill, done!

Cooking seems like such a daunting task, something most say they've never been able to do, they can't get the combinations right etc... But if you use good stuff, you don't have to DO anything to it!!! Grill the meat, bake the potato, roast or grill the veg, simple, good, easy.

For the record the kids had McDonald's tonight and we had frozen leftovers from last week. It's always about balance, not obsession.

Happy Aniversary!!!

Not my marriage, that's in July.

One year ago, I quit my job.

One year ago, I had one cup of coffee every morning, now I have to have 2 and another about 3pm.

One year ago, I feared my heart was giving out on me, now I feel better than I have in years.

One year ago, I was too over-whelmed to watch the kids by myself, now I actually miss being away from them, which doesn't happen often.

One year ago, I couldn't imagine taking all three any where other than a park, now I'm confident enough to take them to multiple venues running errands.

One year ago, I thought my worth was measured by how much money I was contributing to the family, now I know my contribution is so much more.

One year ago, I was depressed and felt sorry for myself, now I'm thankful for every waking moment.


Our marriage anniversary will always be the most important, this anniversary is for my family. It's the one where I finally put them first. This is the anniversary of financial sacrifice and the anniversary of learning to live selflessly. I have a long way to go still but I've taken the step. I've started down a path I don't ever want to veer from. So I thank you my love, for affording me the opportunity to save what's left of my sanity. Thank you for working so hard to allow me to be there for the kids physically and emotionally which hopefully means I can do the same for you. This is our families anniversary of change, it's not just my day. It's ours.

A little food, a little wine...

Since I am supposed to be talking about food and wine too, I figured I would post something on the subject. I realize I started out with good intentions. Putting whatever the nights meal was and recipes on the site, so possibly, one day, the kiddos could look back and say oh that's how she made that! Alas, I quickly discovered how often I make the same stuff and therefore posting the same meal over and over seemed rather redundant for obvious reasons. The other reason I haven't posted a lot of recipes is because to me they are pretty simplistic and don't merit the mention. Tonight was angel hair pasta with shrimp, garlic and tomatoes de-glazed with some Pernod. No biggie, takes 5 min, kids loved it. Last night chicken, rice, broccoli casserole, not exactly rocket science. While Ethan was in school I made some basic white sandwich bread, again throw ingredients in mixer, turn on, let raise. No biggie. Tomorrow brats, steeped in beer then grilled with onions, mash some potatoes and a veggie tbd and voila again. I started planning out my menu every two weeks so I wasn't having chicken every night or pasta three nights in a row, it seems to be working and I don't have to literally think as much. That's the goal really, by dinner time I honestly just want to be on auto-pilot. The winter dull-drums have kicked in. I cringe buying Argentinian asparagus and so end up getting nothing. The chickens raided the garden a week ago and my cauliflower that was ever so close to forming heads was decimated. I raised my fence and am slowly coxing everything back to life but my dreams of garden fresh produce in winter have been dashed. My rampini seems to be pulling itself up by its boot-straps and I'm holding on to a glimmer of hope that it will still produce but for now I'm forced to buy veggies that have seen more of America than I have. Vino of choice lately has been pretty tame and pretty much sticking to the house variety, maybe I'll venture to open something more inspiring tonight, truth be told I'm feeling like some bubbly but I think I'll settle for a good chard which I have about twice a year... Bottle now securely placed in freezer, hopefully I won't forget it there, as much as I like finding frozen wine, I think I'll pass. This post has taken on that ever present tone of simplify, simplify, simplify. If I can beat anything into my cherub's heads, it's to not over complicate things. Don't over think, don't over do, don't over schedule, etc... moderation my dear ones. It's all over the news right now how Americans are all simplifying because of the economy, I do it for my sanity.

A shout out to my girls...

As Ethan's sing-song folly about me having girlfriends comes to an end I can't help but smile. He of course thinks it's oh so funny that mommy would have a girlfriend, considering he can't think of anything quite so disgusting. I laugh and say yes, I do. Not just one girlfriend but many. That is not an easy task mind you. I've spent the better part of the past 10 years with out anyone I felt I could really confide in other than my husband and even he doesn't want to hear everything! I've had the bad habit of picking friends that I've had things in common with, things meaning hobbies/kids/outside interests. Now I'm finally graduating to friends with the same core values. Amazingly, it no longer matters if we have one hobby in common. We don't have to all love to cook, we don't all have to want to go jogging at 4am, scrapbook, gardening or go antiquing. We do want to raise our kids as best we can, we do want to give our burdens over to an amazing Lord that we know will take care of it. Often times this happens once we have thoroughly vented to each other and possibly consumed copious amounts of a good cab but it happens none-the-less!!! I remember in high school, how my parents would always talk about the importance of surrounding yourself with people that had your same values. I of course thought I was impervious to any others views. I was a strong "woman" at 16 and could certainly keep my beliefs in check amongst the heathens. I think I'll be a bit more adamant about it with my kids knowing how impossible it truly is. Surround yourself with turkeys and you'll soon start to gobble. HA! like that? Sorry, I still hold out some hope that one day my kids will read this and get some sort of gleaming words of wisdom from mom. I don't want them to be shaking hands with 40 when they finally start listening to that voice that says it's OK to be themselves. I finally am being my real self and God has surrounded me with a group of women that actually think that's just fine. Funny how that happens. I raise my glass of port ('97 Warres, mmmmmm) to all my girlfriends. "May neighbours respect you, Trouble neglect you, The angels protect you, And heaven accept you." Salut!!!

Here we go...

You would think 7 years would be enough time to prepare. Enough time to get all my thoughts in order and have it all laid out. Diagrams drawn up, the speech rehearsed but when it comes down to it, I'm simply not ready to have "the talk". Unfortunately with a hormone enraged rooster strutting his stuff the last few days the inevitable is about to happen.


"Man I caught Crowey being mean to one of the girls again! He was standing on her back and pecking her head!!!"

Luckily Ethan was able to "save" the chicken, much to Crowey's mounting (hahaha) protests. In a perfect world I will simply say Crowey is trying to make chicks that's how they do it and he will say Oh, OK, no problem. Somehow I doubt that will be the case. I sense way more explaining than I would like to do and my dream now is to hopefully stick to the animal world, leaving homosapien's out of the picture. Again I see this as having a fleeting to slim chance of happening. Innocence lost. Never to look at well anyone the same again. Just another job of parenthood that we have to suck up and do, ignorance is not bliss, ignorance makes me a grandmother at 40. Thanks a lot Crowey, I'm starting to picture him bathing in a bottle burgundy more and more.

Make-overs

You would think since I spent oodles of time trying to give the site a make-over that I would now be flooded with witty quips and kidisms. Unfortunately, no. I wanted to get away from the boxed template feel and as much as I love the pix felt they needed a more consistent tone. I like things simple. Yes, that has been my theme for the last year, simple. Simple food, simple parenting, simple life. Not the Nicole Richie version of course, the one that gets back to actual basics. Paying attention to our food, paying attention to our kids, paying attention to each other and one day paying attention to me. OOOHHHH how idyllic, yeah I know, but seriously it all piles on so quickly. What I have been fixating on this last week is how this time last year I was seeing a cardiologist. I know I've touched on this but honestly until you have sat in the waiting room of a heart specialist when you are still using your own mobility and teeth, you don't know how much things come into perspective. I think it was at that point that I knew I needed the ultimate makeover. We always professed that we both had to work because of the money. Well, when the money goes away you make it work. I was always convinced I could never stay home, that my personality would never allow it. Sitting at home, folding clothes all day, listening to the playful banter of my two cherubs. Not so much. More like fielding play dates and penciling in folding time so I still accomplish something! Last January I was scared. Not oh no what's going on scared but Holy #*%$* there's something wrong with me scared!!! I'm at a heart *$%#@ specialist scared. Through the tests, wires, large expensive machinery, treadmills, cold ultra-sound gel, paper and photo read outs I was told those ever imposing words. You need to relax. Stress has got you here and stress will make it worse. I've taken the words to heart (hehehe). If you perceive me as laid back, I am. If you think we can't possibly not be freaked out in this economy, I'm not. If you think anything is going to get to me, well it does, but I deal with it and move on. I know my limits and know I can't let things fester for my literal own good. It's not such a bad plan for everyone. So I've simplified my outlet of feigned sanity aka my blog, maybe now it really does represent who I'm yet to become.

That mood.

Get your mind out of the gutter. I didn't say the mood. I said that mood. You know the one.
The one that means you're one step away from following through on the threat of taking them outside and beating them with a chicken.
The one that has you reciting The Lord's Prayer over and over in an attempt to banish your fantasy of blocking off that space under the stairs and shoving them all in it.
I'm sure it's this cold that is making my head feel like I've been on a bender of a life time without all the funny stories.
It didn't help that while taking the garbage out I managed to slip on some ice at the top of our front steps and skid four plop, plop, plop, plop, steps all the way down to our driveway, where I continued to skid another five feet four inches before doing a back-flop with the top of my head at the base of the first step. Oddly, the only visible sign of distress is the complete lack of skin attached to the top of my right index finger, apparently it's still on the hand rail.
Elaina my love, that voice is honestly going to kill me. She has been stuck in whine for what seems like an eternity.
"I waaaaaaaaaant waaaaaaaaater!!!!!"
"IIIIII can't heeeeeeeaaaaaaaar iiiiiiiit"
You my friend will be the first to discover the power of a foul used as a projectile. Oh come on, it's not like I'd use one of the big buffs, I'd pick one of the smaller rhode island chicks.
Ethan my precious, you're one more chance bucket is empty. The next time you ram into something, kick something ie; balls, books, Chloe, sister, or bug anyone for your general amusement you too will be faced with flying feathers of fury.
Don't worry Elijah isn't getting off the hook here. Luckily for him he finally settled into a nap. His latest discovery of spitting is not nearly as endearing as you would imagine. Although his latest mantra of "I didn't do it! Chloe did it" really is pretty cute.
So I turn the music up a little higher and dream of a day when I can once again smell the chili cooking on the stove.
Let's hope the trio lives long enough to see that day too.

One Crafty Mama...

NOT!!! I'm admittedly craft impaired. Luckily kids can make a craft out of anything. Currently Elaina is sporting some goggles she made out of an egg carton and large amounts of tape. Ethan has made a bird house out of a box, the rest of the egg carton and some plastic wrap. The birds will eat out of the egg cartons and live in the box. It's an "ice" day off from school so sitting at the table and cutting stuff with scissors seems the activity of choice which is better than watching Diego all day. Elaina may now be trying to fashion some sort of eye wear for the girls since she keeps taking them outside for short stints before coming back in and re-working them. Wire cutters have also been enlisted on Ethan's side. I'm not sure really where my crafty gene went. My sister and I spent days playing with paper dolls that we made. My sister would draw the girls on cardboard, we would cut them out and then trace clothes for them that we colored and cut out. I loved to work with clay, shaping and molding various forms/people/animals to then paint. I'm assuming what little imagination for the ordinary I had was transferred to my children at birth and that's why they are content to play with water bottles and a stick. My sister and I also loved forts and I live in fear every day that my kids will make some of the architectoral feats that we attempted. The dining table in the middle, chairs pulled out to every side, blankets draped over the top and sides to hide our cozy abode inside. Sounds fine, now pan out of the picture to see the toaster, crock pot and dutch oven on the table holding the blankets precariously on the table. Now try to imagine how that one blanket is actually staying firmly against the wall, could it be the 14 staples in the wall or when we ran out of staples the thumb-tacks or brads??? They are always amazed how we seem one step ahead of them in their quest for fun. I only pray we still will be in the teen years.

Bugs and I don't mean the crawling ones...

Oh yes, we are in full lock down. It started with Elaina and I, we recruited Elijah yesterday and today Ethan has joined our ranks. Since for some unknown reason, only to be explained by the evil virus coursing through my body, I uncharacteristically opted out of taking any sleepy medicine last night. Waking up every 15 minutes in shivering fits while bundled in my electric blanket, I was able to hear Ethan getting up and heading for the bathroom not once but two times. Uh oh, he's one of us. I can't claim the sun as being up but eventually I did just give up and go to the living room, Ethan soon joined me. He looked green. He didn't think he looked green of course and thought I should look at him in different light. Oh for the days of not wanting to miss school. Honestly, I didn't want to walk him there! "You can stay home, it's OK!" "I'm fine, I want to play with my friends" "I don't think you're friends want to play with YOU!" "Ill call if I don't want to stay" "fine" I relent, get everyone dressed/bundled and literally out the door when I take one more stab at not walking 3 houses down in 25-degree weather. The thermometer. AHA!!! 99.9 I knew it!!! Off with the coats, get a pillow, blanket and full control over the remote. And here we sit. Luckily a couple cups of coffee, some sudafed and I'm at a good 85% of normal which I will need, to tend to the every desire of my 3 congested cherubs. Elaina sounds the worst but being a girl is wrestling with Chloe on the floor after spending 10 minutes outside supervising egg production. Ethan hasn't left his spot on the couch, since giving him permission to be sick. He can no longer move his arms more than 4 inches to the left or right and groaning lamentations of a dieing man have taken over. If only he could speak in Shakespearean prose; But, woe is me, you are so sick of late, So far from cheer and from your former state... Luckily Elijah is too young to work it, he's happily playing monster trucks through the phlegm filled hacking. And what do I do to discourage his fore lorn plight? A blanket, plenty of kisses and cocoa on the way, I'll never pass up an opportunity to baby my oldest, once again I apologize to his future wife, you'll understand one day when your baby turns 7.

Good Enough...

At what point in my life did I decide the definition of good enough. Currently, I get up in the morning look myself in the mirror and make a decision. Shower or not? In the shower, do I really need to wash my hair or is it a pony day? Little gloss and some mascara or full on re-do? Getting dressed, should I wear the shirt w/2 spots? I can cover it with that sweater that only has 1 or just go with the shirt with 1 stain even though that tear is getting kind of big now. Eh, this is good enough. When I was working I was the first in line for the "secret sale" at Saks and was admittedly pretty proud of the deal I got on my Gucci sunglasses. This isn't to say I'm still not a sucker for a good deal, not by a long shot, I've actually gotten pickier! Apparently though as of late I simply don't care. Maybe it's a phase something that will pass with the cold weather and fog encased sky or maybe it's an indication of something bigger. What else am I passive about. Do I spend enough time playing with the kids? Being with them yes but really interacting with them, sadly no, I'm stuck on it's good enough. Do I spend enough time on myself? I have my hobbies all of which can be done with them here, is it ample to recharge those batteries and refuel my spirit? No, but that too has become good enough. How to get out of the passive cycle, how to change the so called every day and what I have made of it. So the shopping ensues, the closet has been cleaned out and a couple nice, stain free shirts should be coming via ups man in a couple days. Some tidying is taking place, the outside is an easy place to start, the inside is another beast altogether. AAAHHH, the inside. Where God has been diligently working and I have been doing my best to A. ignore or B. Justify my inability to stand up and just tell everyone about this wonderful Lord that is forever challenging and surprising me. It has to end. I have to leap out of the plane and know the chute will open!! I'm tired of telling people I will keep them in my thoughts, dinner tonight is in my thoughts, I will pray for you... When you tell me that xyz is driving you nuts, can't go on, you have no money, you're not getting pregnant, you are pregnant, the kids are always sick/won't sleep/throwing tantrums/won't eat/eat everything, who knows what the problem of the second is!!! The first words out of my mouth will be I'll be praying for you, because I will. That is not your personal excuse to now sit around and wait, the potty training fairy is not going to knock on your door and make all your dreams come true. I've been way too passive, way too long. Trying to not rock the boat, keep everyone happy. But if me professing my faith which is such a part of me causes someone to no longer speak to me well, enough said. I'm done with thinking that going to church on Sunday is good enough. I'm done side stepping what I really want to say in the "best interest" of those involved. It's put up or shut up time, we're either growing in our faith or we're killing it. Accepting good enough, is killing it.

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah...

I read an article about blogs and how "mom blogs" are some of the most popular because we have such a wealth of situations that we can write about. There's work if the mom doesn't stay home, home if she does, the kids, dog, in our case stupid chickens, our hobbies ie; reading, photography, knitting, drinking heavily after the kids go to bed, favorite recipes... you get the idea. We can vent about our children which happens more often than not, or maybe even our husbands which I would obviously never do since mine is a saint for still coming home every night, that coupled with the fact that he reads this. Hi hon. I could talk about politics but I'm trying to keep my stress level in check, raising 3 kids raises my blood pressure enough. I could talk about the trip to the grocery store this morning and how after I threatened Elijah within an inch of his life to stay right by the cart he proceeded to pull the entire thing over on himself. Or how when on our way to the next store I looked in my rear view mirror only to discover two naked children smiling back at me. How they got their clothes off while still buckled in is still a mystery. I could talk about how much I love that I had a meatloaf in the freezer that I just had to pop in the oven along with some potatoes and roasted broccoli, dinner done, effort zero. The chickens (or how I'm now referring to them 'the stupid chickens') are always great fodder. I could tell you how they have decided to only lay eggs on TOP of the cabinet in their coop we use for storage and not in the 4 nests we have for them. I could tell you how we expanded their shelf top nests to three since they were all yelling at each other to get out so a new girl could get in. Thinking of course that they are the most spoiled birds in Eastern Washington with no less then 9 nests for 8 hens that are laying and they all STILL lay in one nest and STILL yell at each other to get out and move along "Where or where will my precious egg go??!" stupid chickens. But I digress. I'm happy I can still find humor in the same old same old. 2 loads of laundry sitting on the bed and 2 in the washer/dryer, folding time is MP3 time and I can't wait to listen to my new favorite song "By my side" by Tenth Avenue North. Yes, mom blogs will not fall by the wayside, I've never been accused of having nothing to say.

You talkin' to me?

Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? that comprises 90% of the conversations in my house. Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? about the 23rd one my response is markedly harried. WHHHAAAAAT????? I plead. But the inquiry is quickly lost, the adhd that all humans under the age of 16 suffer from has kicked in and they have moved on. When they are newborns you can tell by the cry what's wrong. oh that's nothing he's just tired, or sounds like someone needs a diaper change or get me that bottle stat!!! The cry has now evolved from a WWWAAAAAAAA to a MOOOOOOM! Each with their own special meanings.
mooOOOM? with the squeaky rise of a field mouse on the end means I really want something but don't think you're going to give it to me.
moooommy? very quiet and high with the added y means I love you soooooo much please let me have...
MOM MOM MOM MOM means Ethan and/or Chloe is doing something particularly devious.
mama? can easily be swapped for moooommy but generally only used by Ethan, means he wants something and is oddly asking for it instead of swiping it and hiding somewhere to be consumed at which point I will A. find the wrapper or B. smell it on his breath.
MOm means I want something now and feeling pretty full of myself that I can snap at you like this.
MOOOOOMMMY MOOOOOMMMY as loud and drawn out as possible means please let me out of my room before I die, I swear I won't snap at you again.
Oddly the bearer of most mom requests is probably Ethan with Elaina pulling a close second. Ethan's requests gear toward a treat (a word that conjures visions of nails and large chalkboards) or to play with him, since there is "nooooooobody to play with meeeeeee". Considering he doesn't really want to play with you as much as he wants you to watch him play, many pleas are squelched where they stand. Elaina's aren't so much requests as demands, usually involving the word now, a hand on her hip and if she's serious, her eyes rolling to the top of her head at the end of the tyraid. Hence the frantic moooooommy screaming that ensues from being thrown in her room. It's all getting documented here, one day they will have their own babes and I will sit with them and scream their names till they frantically come running, fearing I've fallen and can't get up, only to have me question what they want and say I'm fine with a you're a crazy person look on my face. I think calling and hanging up when they answer will suffice when we aren't in each others presence. What comes around little ones, what comes around.

So ends the honeymoon...

It was actually pretty comical for me to re-write the post yesterday considering that feel-good-oh-it's-beautiful-blah-blah-blah-thing ended weeks ago. The following was written on December 27th, Ethan's 7th Birthday.

So ends the honeymoon

Yes, it was pretty. Yes, it was majestic, serene, unencumbered, weightless fluff. Now it just sucks. The kids are done playing in it. I'm done shoveling it. the girls are done hiding from it. Chloe is done swimming in it. I'm ready to see just how much of my lilac bush I can salvage from all the broken branches. I'm ready to see if any of my winter veggies survived under the tarp (props to Territorial Seed if they do!) I want to see if Ethan and Elaina can ride the new bikes they got for Christmas and most of all I want out of my HOUSE!!! Playing pioneer woman was fun for about 2 days now I want to drive my car and play on the Internet which hopefully I will be able to do next week. I've managed to learn a lot the past few weeks.

1. Make sure you have hard copies of all address' and phone numbers, especially at Christmas time! I was sending cards as I received them.

2. Make sure the cookbooks you have are usable. No really. I have purged about 10 from my collection as having no redeeming value. All the international cookbooks in the world won't help you make a simple birthday cake. I depend way too much on the Internet for inspiration and/or recipes.

3. Burn all mp3's to CD, a player full of music does you no good if you can't charge it.

4. Don't make fun of people that finish Christmas shopping in July. Living in a town of 30,000 is great until you no longer have the Internet to use for shopping. Get it done early.

I've been forced to get in touch with my creative side which honestly is more than a little dusty. Ethan wanted a spider cake for his Birthday today. Normally I would peruse thousands of cake designs on-line and alter to my abilities which are remedial at best. We did manage to put one together and it was all a 7 year old could ask for! Not bad mom. Yes, my baby turns 7 today. At this moment in time he wants to be a paleontologist. Last night he climbed into our bed because he was dreaming of giant bats and he wants his first mp3 player. Still my baby and so grown up at the same time. Still doesn't want to go to 'sleep away' school (college) because he won't be living with us (me). I of course know that will change most likely in the next year. Ethan charges to the top of the sledding hill shouting "I'm first, I'm first" all the way, only to turn over the right to his little sister, not out of brotherly love mind you, but because his sense of adventure is equal only to my own. Once he saw she survived and no ambulance's were needed he couldn't get enough. And so another year comes to an end, well almost. I've learned a lot this year, just didn't know so much of it would be in the last 3 weeks.

In like a lion...

Yes, I know. It's been a while. Rest assured I have a valid explanation. The computer died and with a full blown winter storm coming 2 days later I was stranded, unable to get to my parents who had a new computer for us. The long story short version goes something like this... Right after Thanksgiving our pastor called for a fast(food) the idea of fasting from the computer admittedly popped in my head and I chose to ignore it. The church fast started and my computer died. nice. I tried hooking up our Internet to our laptop only to discover that Chloe had bitten the connection in 1/2 while I was tinkering with it. Message now received loud and clear. We would be fasting from the computer whether I wanted to or not. Warp ahead to about 3 feet of snow and 3 weeks later we are now back on-line. Simply trying to catch up at this point. I have written some blogs by loooooong hand and the following was titled Zero.

Zero December 16 th

How can zero be so cold? by definition it seems it should be neutral. Neither hot nor cold. But this I assure you is not the case. Zero. is. cold. Spending the last 10 or so years in a sweltering climate where we BBQ every Christmas has left us a bit in awe and honestly more excited then my three kids. The last time I really lived anywhere with measurable accumulation was fresh out of high school, I lived downtown Portland and I can picture a photo my sister took of me and my cat Bambi standing in the snow. The city of course shut down with the threat of a flurry. Eastern Washington is not so sympathetic. We have no less then 10 inches right now and Ethan had a 2 hour delay. Portland schools were all cancelled with their dusting. Today will be the coldest with a high of about 10 expected but the perfect blue sky and beaming sun dancing off the powdery crystals seriously has brought a new appreciation of my surroundings. Everything looks clean, white, fresh. I want to stomp through every billowy drift. My camera has not left my side. Every drip off the icicles sends my gloves flying as my frozen fingers try to zoom in and out, switching apertures in search of some combination that can capture the awesome wonder of zero. Maybe next year I'll be able to with more practice but I doubt it. A picture can never really show the bit of steam rising from a snow covered rose or capture the hilarity of a squirrel leaping a path to the nearest tree only to shower his buddy down below with an avalanche from the branches over head. Or the sound of V after V honking frantically in the sky wondering where their pond went. The crunching of snow tires and the belly rolling giggles of a sled being pulled over the icy ruts in the road can only be locked away in memories past. Everything has value and beauty, even zero.